in a FUNK

I'm in a funk...have been since yesterday. I guess I'm just feeling a little frustrated and tired. I get digs from my manager and the country director that if I get a keyboard tray for my desk or a business trip to Pakistan that I shouldn't complain about work/life balance...or I should work harder.

*sigh* I guess either

1. I'm not working hard enough or
2. I'm not working smart enough

I think the thing that is getting to me is that I'm doing more. I'm nominally the Senior Program Lead here at work...but in reality, I'm number 2 in charge of this group...and it's a start up company with all of the headaches and needs of a start up company. Maybe it's a little more than I expected when I signed up. I always did more work that I was typically expected to do at company C - but here, the responsibilities are larger. The success of the company is based in a large part of what I'm doing here...and I don't know that I want that responsibility. =) I can't just make sure that my project is successful...I also have to make sure that a number of other things happen too. (I feel sorry for my manager and the country director when I think about it. THEY have a personal investment in the business - it HAS to work!)

I guess it would be different if the business idea was mine or it was something that I was passionate about. (You know - how people say that it's different when it's your own kid?) haha

But it would be different if it was my business - I would have set it up differently for sure!! =) AND I would probably feel that I was sacrificing my personal life for a specific reason. Yeah - I mean, ultimately, the product that we are developing here will benefit the country and the workforce. But I guess I'm not as altruistic as I thought. =) Ideas are great and I get excited about our business plan and strategy...but then I run into brick walls time and again when it comes to implementation. That's the hard part. Sometimes, it feels like people don't WANT to be helped...or they want us to help them do it for them, rather than learning how to do whatever it is.

Graduates from the colleges here usually come from privileged families. People are often times hired because of the families that they come from or the political ties they represent. It's not a merit based system traditionally. We're trying to change that - private companies are asking for more qualified graduates with better skill sets or experience. On the flip side, you've got graduates that are like American Idol candidates.

Here's the analogy - the bad candidates on American Idol RARELY agree with the judges when they are denied a ticket to Hollywood. Most of them truly BELIEVE that they are good singers and have the talent to make it to Hollywood. Why? Because somewhere along the line their parents, friends and/or co-workers deluded them by telling them they could sing. Some of the parents are deluded too, but that's another story.

I interviewed several candidates yesterday for an internship position in our company. These were supposedly the top students graduating out the college of business at one of the local private universities. Their interviewing skills were weak and their English poor, especially given that the university purports to be an English medium school. (I know - easy for me to come down hard on someone when English is almost my native language. But there ARE Bangladeshis that have EXCELLENT English speaking skills. If I went to a school that was Spanish medium, I would hope that I would be able to converse in Spanish and be able to use it in an office setting by the time I graduated.)

None of the 4 candidates had any work experience - but they all wanted to work in a higher level position or even management. I guess it galls me when I feel that they haven't earned the right to ask for that sort of a position. (Then - you see the hiring practices here and wonder, was I hired on merit...or just because I knew someone? And then that doesn't make me feel that great about myself, even though I know that I have the skills to back me up. I really AM in a big funk, aren't I?) Anyways - it's like they are American Idol candidates. They think that they have the skills to work in these companies, but they don't...and they want higher level positions than they really qualify for.

I guess I'm just frustrated and sad that I'm becoming cynical about everything. I'm not normally a pessimist...but I'm finding that I don't tend to give the Bangladeshis the benefit of the doubt...and I should. I need to find some balance between the cynicism (which is experience speaking) and naivety (by trusting people to my own detriment).

*sigh* I just got back into the country and I'm already feeling like I need a break. I've got to work out a schedule to give myself personal time (not just at the gym) AND balance all of my responsibilities here at work. =(

I'll work something out - I was fine up until yesterday. I think it's because this weekend was a lot of work functions and not enough rest time for me.

I did back 3 batches of bread though!! =) I'm getting better at this. I've got pictures, I need to post them to the food blog if I ever get the time. I get stressed with all of the work stuff to do...and then start to hyperventilate when I think of all the personal things that I need to take care of...that I haven't gotten to. AAARRRRGGHHH!!!!